As the end of the year draws near, I can't help but think about how this year has been one of death for me, and as I sit here listening to Daphne Rubin-Vega sing, "the pain will ease if I can learn there is no future, there is no past" I am faced with a million decisions that may or may not affect my future and I'm stuck here staring down my past. And how much of my obsession with what is over and what is to come, is caused by the fact that the present is only occupied with my sitting here looking at a computer and doing nothing? How can I help remembering losing everyone I've loved and alienating everyone who loved me? And how can I not worry that I'll only do it again? Why is the death of the first person who ever loved you so destructive? Why do I fear the fate of anyone who may love me in the future? Why does this take precedence over the few people who may love me now? Why can't I think of any?